The worst restaurants in Brussels

Drum roll please for the vilest of the vile of the Brussels gastronomical scene...

Cantina Cubana

Already the subject of a substantial rant, this restaurant wins the coveted title of 'Top of the Nots' in recognition of a blinding combination of appalling service and inedible food. Cantina Cubana: nul points.

Les Brassins

The New York Times raved and expats flock, but why I just cannot say. The sight of Yann leaving food unfinished is indeed a rare one, but his meal – dishwater broccoli soup followed by some sort of meat on a pile of dangerously over-salted mushrooms – was truly that bad. The vilest food we have eaten, even considering Cantina Cubana, but at least it didn't steal 3 hours of our lives.

Restaurants to avoid in Brussels

Clef des champs

Quite unbelievably, this is the top-ranking resto in Brussels according to our highly-trusted toptable.com. We took our Groningen friends here in the hope of impressing, but were left with waffle on our faces. Interior is so painfully twee that it wouldn't be out of place in Disney Land, and the not-cheap food was poorly cooked. Toptable, get your facts right.

L'arrière pays

Handily located 30 seconds down the road from our flat, this place seems to draw large crowds – notably after Sunday service in the adjacent church. When we went, I ordered Cassoulet. I received a dish of cold baked beans with a couple of cocktail sausages thrown in, artistically sprinkled with parmesan. No.

Délire Parisien

Everything about this place screams tourist restaurant: unimaginative menu, so-so food, soulless interior, braying Americans. Not worth the bother.

Le Marmiton, Galleries St. Hubert

We ate here once out of desperation, knowing that the location of this place on the corner of the über-touristy rue des bouchers made eating there a highly dangerous move. Food wasn't entirely horrible, but this place is definitely best left to the tourists.

Anarkali

Brussels, much to our dismay, sorely lacks good Indian restaurants. Anarkali does very little to address that lack. The concept – self-service buffet – is certainly appealing, but the food was bland and watery and barely warranted a second fill of the plate, not something I would often say.

Easy Tempo, rue haute

Lured in by the smart interior and appetizing antipasti presented on the counter, we were sorely disappointed with our boring, stodgy pizzas. Another not.

H2O

Restaurant right in the heart of Brussels's gay scene, this place was pretty forgettable. Brussels has better to offer.

Magic Rubens

Another place we visited when desperate for somewhere to take guests (Yann's parents in this case), the food was second rate.

Other places to eat in Brussels

La Cantine de la Ville

We only managed one visit to this place, which seems a shame looking back. The 50s diner look is fab, and the food is simple but tasty. Fine dining this is not, but La Cantine de la Ville is still a great place to go for a relaxed meal and a drink.

Bla Bla

Arty interior and warm atmosphere make this place a must for Sunday brunch. Make sure you're ravenously hungry, and be prepared to splash out on the deluxe brunch option, which gives you access to all three buffet tables.

Carnotzet

This Swiss restaurant has an unavoidably cheesy hum, but you soon forget when your personal pile of delicious cheese salad starter arrives. For his main Yann had thinly sliced rare beef with a steaming pot of broth to cook it in – it was simply amazing. My sausage and mash was also very satisfying. Well done, Carnotzet.

Quick

The francophone take on McDonalds, Quick does what it says on the tin. I find myself unable to condemn this place, given its frankness about its offering, and I am certain that our paths will one day cross again.

A Malte

A contentious one for inclusion in the hot list, I personally loved the cosy, candlelit ambience of this place, but it loses marks for food, given an unfortunate preponderance for loading cheese on top of all the meat dishes. In my opinion, definitely worth another chance.

Lotus Bar

Another respectable Thai restaurant/bar, where house red comes by the litre. Bit more expensive than its counterparts around St. Géry.

Le News Café, rue jourdan

This place is nothing special, but it will do if you're after a beer and a quick bite to eat. I was delighted with my Croque Madame (same as the toasted ham and cheese sandwich that is Croque Monsieur, but with a couple of fried eggs slapped on top).

Belgo Belge

As one of our first dining experiences in Brussels, our memories of Belgo Belge are somewhat scant, with the novelty of dining with Stagiaires from across the continent (Spain, Greece, Poland, UK, Netherlands, Germany and France were certainly represented) overshadowing the actual food. Having said this, my order of pain de viande provoked much discussion around the table as to what it would actually be, before I was served with a plate of delicious meatloaf. Mmm.

Hector Chicken

Fine dining it is not, but Hector Chicken takes greasy fried cuisine to new heights. For those in need of a junk food fix, Hector Chicken is head and shoulders above the rest, complete with attractive terrace next to a motorway.

Fanny Thai

The initial glamour of Fanny Thai has diminished to an extent, given that Thai cuisine is something that Brussels actually does rather well. That said, Fanny Thai is good value tasty food, and merited repeat visits.

The best places to eat in Brussels

This is the first in a series of posts in which we will share our immense wisdom regarding all things bruxellois. We start with the best places to eat in the city…

Toscana 21, rue de Rollebeek

The décor may be completely underwhelming, the menus written using sugar paper attached to an artist’s palette, and the mood lighting more hospital than hospitality, but the pasta is f***ing delicious, and cheap to boot. With this restaurant being mere yards from our apartment, we spent many an evening here when we deemed the mince we had in the fridge “too rancid” to eat.

Skievelat

After following a recommendation from a colleague, Skievelat came to dominate our diet in Brussels. Serving a wide range of Belgian favourites (carbonnade, vol au vont, pain de viande, stoemp) Skievelat is great for introducing visitors to the Brussels diet. Add to this the minimal impact on the wallet and the eye-candy employed as serving staff, and you’ll understand why Skievelat became our most-visited restaurant in Brussels

Perroquet, rue Watteau

We adore this place. Close to our front door, amazing art nouveau interior, buzzing atmosphere and an endless selection of pitas. This shouldn't be mistaken for a real restaurant, but it's the perfect place to take your visitors who have arrived on the late Eurostar and want Qwak plus snack. Will be sorely missed.

Soul

A Finnish concept restaurant may not be Jacques Chirac’s cup of tea, but this particular house of gastronomy, unobtrusively situated down a p***-soaked alleyway, serves fantastic food themed around its purported health benefits. Pregnant? You’ll be wanting the menu grossesse, a delicious carb- and fat-fest. High cholesterol? It’s quinoa and duck for you. Best meal out in Brussels.

Kika Kitchen

Fabulous dated 60s décor, shepherd’s pie with jam and loads of lentils make Kika a lesbian favourite.

Claire Fontaine, rue Ernest Allard

The way sandwich shops ought to be, Claire’s is packed floor to ceiling with jars of chutneys, pickles, herbs and other delicious treats, offering freshly made sandwiches on the toughest, but most delicious, bread to be found in Brussels.

Kokob

Great for dining with friends, Kokob serves Ethiopian cuisine (no jokes please) in a warm, friendly and atmospheric environment. Food is curry-based, involves beetroot and egg, and is served on lemon-pancakes, no cutlery provided. If you can survive the embarrassment of having the waitress feed you as part of her demonstration on how to eat Ethiopian-style, you’ll have a fantastic meal out.

Farewell, but not from us

Not quite goodbye from us yet, but it is goodbye from another Brussels expat, so I thought I'd link to his piece.

Luxembourg

Luxembourg, we had been repeatedly warned, is shit. Everything closes at 5pm. There's nothing to do. There's nothing to see. Avoid it. Luxemboring.

It's a good job Yann and I didn't heed this advice, as our visit to Luxembourg on Saturday was really rather marvellous. Over the millennia, the pathetic river Alzette has carved a huge gorge into the soft local sandstone, across which Luxembourg City is now precariously perched. This makes for some great trudging up riverbank paths and for some simply breathtaking views:

It also seems that Luxembourg was for many years the object of every Western European leader's most profound desires, leading to massive fortification of the city. Lots of the defences are still visible today, but it's the underground network of tunnels that has to be the most impressive part. Here are some shots of the Bock Casemates, now made aUNESCO world heritage site in recognition of their uniquely claustrophobic qualities:

After much walking, we had time for a quick supper at a Lebanese restaurant before catching the 3-hour train back to Brussels.

Our advice: visit Luxembourg.

National Day

21st July was Belgian National Day, and as well as getting a well-earned day off work, we were treated to various "goings on" of a distinctly military flavour at the end of our road, on the Rue de la Regence.
Having received four free packets of crisps, two free smoothies and a balloon (helium to be consumed later) and admired the military equipment (and personnel) parading the streets, we decided that, not actually being Belgian, it would be ok for us to go back home where we were able to watch an alsation being winched out of an office block from the comfort of our own balcony. Chouette!

Sunny intervals in Tervuren

The run of visitorless weekends was finally broken this weekend, with the return of la rousse et son homme. Hurray!

On Friday night we headed to Kokob, a lively Ethiopian restaurant along the road from the infamous Mannekin Pis. Food is served up on a communal platter, with crepes replacing cutlery – there’s clearly an art to dining in this way, and it’s not one that we’ve quite mastered yet. Still, the food is to be recommended, and making a terrible mess is all the more fun when you’re doing it with friends.

Saturday saw what meteorologists call ‘sunny intervals’ and so we headed out to the outlying town of Tervuren to have a wander in another of Brussels’ many formal parks. This trip felt long overdue, as Yann’s phone – with its wallpaper that magically changes depending on what country you’re in – had been beckoning us to Tervuren ever since we’d arrived in Belgium. The guidebook bills this place as being happily untouched by tourists, which is certianly the case. Indeed, apart from the attractive park, with its series of man-made lakes, the town itself consists of just a handful of buildings arranged around a not so grand place.

We rounded Saturday off with a couple of beers at a café off Avenue Louise, before saying goodbye to our guests and finishing the evening with a nice feel-good film.

Villers-la-Ville

The prospect of returning to dreary London in two weeks has spurred us on to see and do some of the few remaining attractions that Brussels has to offer. Fulfilling a drunken promise to ourselves made after a number of glasses of red wine yesterday evening, we braved hangovers and made the day trip to the ruined Cistercian abbey at Villers-la-Ville, about 30km south of Brussels.

Having successfully navigated the train journey, we were not so lucky on arrival at our destination – what was billed by the guidebook as a 15 minute walk to the abbey took me and Tintin nearly an hour, and involved numerous wrong turns and some time spent trespassing on private property.

However, it was worth the wait, and after receiving directions from a kindly Belgian, we arrived at the abbey. The first monastic settlers arrived on the site in 1146, and the abbey grew in size and influence throughout the thirteenth century. Following the French revolution the site was privately sold, and fell into the fabulous set of ruins that remain today. The buildings that remain are all in various states of disrepair, some merely a set of small walls, and others with two storeys still intact. This being Belgium – the land that health and safety forgot – you are more or less free to roam the ruins as you wish, ducking into nooks and crannies such as the old prison cells (complete with en-suite latrine), ignoring danger signs to climb multiple steps into the hills and woods, and fumble about in the darkened rooms of the old lay brothers’ dormitories. Most impressive of all was the church, built to cathedral proportions, missing some of its roof and romantically adorned with ivy. You could easily while away an entire afternoon exploring the site and still miss some of the sights, and is overall one of the best days out we have had since coming to Belgium.

Below is a small selection of photos which should give you an idea.

Fine Dining in Brussels

Whilst I enjoy eating, I cannot claim to be a connoisseur of food. Indeed, I typically prefer a trip to Hector Chicken (the KFC of Belgium) over the prospect of fine-dining.

On Friday I said farewell to my philistinism with a lunch trip to Comme Chez Soi, Brussels’ 3 Michelin-starred restaurant. Yann and I had mooted the idea of a dinner there as a final treat, but decided that €180 each for food was more than we could stomach. Lunch, on the other hand was a snip at €55 for three courses. Sadly, one of those courses being fish, Yann declined the experience, leaving me to chaperone a couple of lovely ladies from work.


Despite feeling faintly silly at dining in such refined surroundings, I certainly enjoyed the gastronomy, which was as follows:

Starter: Aspic de volaille en salade de mizuna et pousses de betterave rouge, coulis tomaté au vinaigre de sureau

Main course: Filet de cabillaud et fritot d'écrevisses à la lavande, méli-mélo de légumes à l'estragon

Dessert: Feuilleté croustillant à la rhubarbe et aux agrumes, gelée à la badiane et crème d'Isigny

For those who don’t speak French, read “posh food”, served in surprisingly generous portions. We washed down our grub with a bottle of sparkling water, and demanded the bill before we could be lured into buying €10 coffees.

Having thus stuffed myself silly, I also had dinner with our Kiwi friends to look forward to in the evening. Besides more good food from the new vegetarian, we also indulged in quite a comprehensive selection of wine, only leaving when one of our hosts fell asleep on his own face. Hence, when we finally emerged from bed on Saturday morning, there could be only one solution: Hector Chicken.

Groningen: the Metropolis of the North

As our initial excitement at living in a foreign land has slowly ebbed away, to be replaced by the lethargic numbness that is apathy, this blog has lain dormant, waiting for such a time as our child-like joy at living the European Dream is renewed. Although this has not yet happened, I do feel slightly guilty for abandoning all our faithful blogwatchers, so here is a little update to fill you in on our latest adventures, and prepare you for our return to the UK in a mere two weeks time.

After many weeks of planning and preparation, Tintin and I took advantage of a long weekend to visit some other Eurogay© friends in Groningen, the Netherlands. After five hours, four trains and a mere 30 pages of Allen Carr’s EASYWAY to Stop Smoking Permanently, we arrived. Sadly, on our first night we left our camera in a Thai restaurant and were unable to retrieve it until the following evening, so photos of the town itself are somewhat thin on the ground. But take our word for it that Groningen is a pretty little city, with excellent shopping and a fabulous market selling fresh fruit, veg, meat, fish, cheese and flowers.

A warning: the visitor to Groningen must be careful on the roads, which are dominated by high-speed cyclists with basketfuls of cheese, baguettes and sunflowers. Another Dutch stereotype confirmed was cleanliness and efficiency, no more starkly apparent than during our cross-border train ride where barren wastelands and dilapidated high-rises gave way to neat gardens and pretty window-boxes. Groningen has numerous examples of lovely 1930s architecture, not least our hosts’ fabulous apartment, and some highly agreeable green and open spaces.

We also had the opportunity to brave the hustle and bustle of what is the Groningen gay scene, namely a monthly club night attended by at least 35 hardcore revellers. The distinct lack of atmosphere was, however, partially compensated for by the free ice-lollies, flumps, and the two extremely athletic pole dancers who made up for in flexibility what they lacked in pulchritude.

Due to the lack of interesting photos, to get a flavour of what Groningen has to offer you will have to make do with this rather uninspiring snap, taken from our hosts' amazing roof terrace:

Here is a photo of Tintin on the "train ride of doom":And here is a picture of me looking at a fish:

Restaurant Review, chez nous, Bruxelles

Having friends over in London, we can be reasonably sure that when 11pm comes, they will have a Cinderella-like moment of panic, and quickly leave before the last train/tube turns back into a pumpkin. Not so in Brussels, where the old-fashioned art of walking home is alive and well, meaning that there’s nothing to stop one’s soiree drifting on into the night.

And so it was last night, when we returned the favour of dinner for our new Kiwi friends. Determined not to be outdone by grilled aubergines and buttermilk, we cooked a tasty vegetable biryani. It was certainly a relief that it turned out ok, as it would have been a cruel blow to have spent the better part of Saturday traipsing round the African quarter for all the various ingredients, only then to end up cooking something disgusting. In fact, it’s doubly fortunate that the food was good, as we have enough leftovers to sustain us for at least three weeks. Here's today's portion:
We were also joined for dessert by some friends from work who were having their own rival curry upstairs – I must say that this was a very clever ploy on our part to make the only two sets of people we know here think we’re amazingly popular.

Anyway, the downside of such leisurely evenings as last night is the fact that you always have time for just one more drink. Here’s the damage: Needless to say, today is most certainly a day of rest.

Dancing in the street

If you doubt the coolness of Brussels, then know this: people here literally party in the streets:
This was Friday evening at Place Polaert, which just so happens to be five minutes from our house (and a lot flatter than my wonky picture suggests). As you can see, the youth of Brussels was out in force to mark the latest in the Aperos Urbains – a run of weekly street parties that take place here over the summer months.

Yann and I did some mingling here with my work friends before heading to the park for another open air party organised by some other EC interns. The latter was, I’m afraid to say, not so well attended, and we were eventually driven away by the evening’s live act, a group of Brazilian drummers who made up for in volume what they lacked in rhythm.

Not ones to let our evening be cut short, we headed to Hector Chicken, Brussels’ take on KFC. What better way to end an evening!

More Magritte Madness

Here, for lovers of the absurd, is a picture of me and Yann taken at the opening of the Magritte Museum a couple of weeks ago.

When the supply of visitors dries up...

Being in Brussels, we have discovered a novel way of measuring our popularity in terms of how long we could sustain a flow of visitors. We managed a little under four months, which is, I must say, better than we might have anticipated.

Now that things have slowed down, we’ve resorted to stealing other people’s guests, joining work friend + friend for drinks at the delightful Perroquet on Friday night and for brunch at Bla Bla this morning. Perroquet is a particular favourite, as it brings together proximity to our flat with a pretty art nouveau interior, a good beer selection and a menu of pittas as long as a giraffe’s neck. Bla Bla felt more like bleurgh bleurgh after staggering out, having spent two hours grazing on their tasty all-you-can-eat brunch buffet. I don’t plan on eating for at least two days.

I am also pleased to report that yesterday we attended our first Brussels dinner party, hosted by some of Yann’s friends from work. Their stylish loft, the meal of grilled aubergine with buttermilk sauce, and the cosmopolitan company (from Lithuania, Italy, New Zealand and Spain) made for an exceptionally bo-ho soiree, the likes of which I can only aspire to host. Naturally the evening finished rather later than it should have when the gin ran dry and we realised that we were the only people still there.